I Swear That’s How I’m Going to Go

I Swear That’s How I’m Going to Go

I trip multiple times on the piles of shoes in our mudroom.

There is no way someone can break into our home through that door and not be heard because there is no way anyone can walk through there in the dark and not trip multiple times. The chances of anyone successfully navigating in and out of that room in the dark, without getting a severe head or ankle injury, are slim.

Last summer, we had a bull snake that got into our house by way of that very door. All it managed to do was slither across to the toe kick and just lay there because even it didn’t know how to navigate through that mess.

I swear that’s how I’m going to go.

The headlines will read:

Local woman dies in freak tripping accident.

Last Tuesday a woman died from tripping on a toddler-sized dinosaur-printed rain boot that was strategically hidden under a size-four snow boot that was narrowly balancing on her husband’s oversized workboot, causing the shoe tower to become dangerously unstable.

Her ghost has vowed to return to finish that last load of laundry and randomly scatter the gigantic basket of clothes she never got around to emptying, that started before her huge vacation that one summer.

In lieu of flowers she is asking for donations for a shoe rack for her family.

Memento Mori.

I always know when someone goes in there to get water from the dispenser because you can hear them tripping and stumbling their way across the floor with the expected, “oofs” and “uhs” you might hear if someone was trying to escape a bog.

There is also almost always a trail of spilled water that illuminates their path.

The floor can be cleared if only we had these things called drawers to put said shoes in. But those drawers are filled with other interesting things like gum wrappers, toys, mismatched mittens, and single socks.

Everyone trips multiple times on the piles of shoes in our mudroom.

Except for the bull snake.

To date, he is probably the only one who has never gotten hurt.

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